Never An Empty Nest

Well, this is about how I was feeling before going to bed last night. Our home resembles that reality tv show called "Hoarders" because we have bags from every type of store around with things to pack. Oh, did I mention nothing is packed yet? We first had to pack to go out of town this weekend for the swim championships. If everything goes well, we should arrive back home around 11 pm Sunday night. Did I also mention Sunday is Carmen's 13th birthday and I have still yet to find "the" card I wish to give her? I have one more day right (believe it or not I have looked several places and nothing grabs my attention). I was feeling VERY overwhelmed yesterday, trying to fit in everything, make everyone happy, and just plain going in all directions. 


After doing laundry I fell into bed and Tim asked, "Oh, is it time for your 10 minutes of sleep?" I know, as many BTDT (been there done that) adoptive parents probably do, that the last few days before you leave there are so many things running through your head that it's hard to sleep.


This morning I got up early, packed for the weekend out (Carmen was already at champs, she went the night before with wonderful friends so she wouldn't have to get up at 430 to leave). I was dreading the 2 hour drive to Carbondale because I don't like driving by myself long distances on 2-lane roads. But this morning was so different, why? because I noticed after driving about 15 miles that I wasn't alone at all.


I was listening to our local Christian station, Joy FM (99.1) and they were talking about peace. It was very early and the sun was just starting to come up and I could see the mist rising and the sun rays through the mist and the trees. I started laughing! It had been a while since I had taken the time to just "enjoy" one of God's biggest gifts, PEACE. 


Then I had to admit....my overwhelming feelings  didn't have anything to do with juggling many different things, I was purposely, not consciously, filling up my time so I wouldn't have to think. Because if I had time to think, I had to admit....I was scared! Not scared of flying for 18-20 hours with a teen and a 10 yr. old, not scared knowing that when I get back home that 2 of my families I cared for will not be there, not scared of seeing our daughter move to NYC when we get back, not scared of traveling all over a foreign country for almost 3 weeks.


You know what scares the heck out of me? That this little boy who has only known one way of life, one family, one routine, one mama....will be scared of me. I have read all the books, read and reread people's blogs, heard horror stories and harrowing stories, but this time it's not them, it's us, it's our turn.


After acknowledging this while driving, I was most blessed with the feeling of peace and happiness because I asked God to take away the fear, to take away the doubt, take away all the negative feelings and He did. I "let go" and surrendered because I know I have to have the faith that He knows exactly what He's doing and that's placing our son in our family. 


When I arrive back home on Sunday evening, I can't promise I won't be freaking out about getting all our stuff packed and together, but this time there will be a difference. The only thing I will be filling my thinking time with is, Zander, here we come, ready or not!


Blessings to you and thank you for reading.
Francine